And here they come! The restaurants are opening, friends are e-mailing and calling about coming here for visits, and to be brief (as we often fail – notably – to be), the Tourist season is upon us. The OO has received a committee recommendation to create and distribute a preparedness guide. We hear, we feel your need, and we respond.

The first priority is to protect the quality of life of Anguilla residents. If you are to have Visitors in your home, may we recommend stocking up on life’s small necessities, such as toothpaste and shampoo, since most guests seem to arrive with a great surplus of unnecessary fancy clothing and a bottle of suntan lotion. Get in the toiletries, and for hair, may I recommend a number called Willow Lake Citrus and Rosemary Shampoo. This product contains "Purified Water, Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate, Isostereoamidopropyl Morpholine Lactate" and other all-natural stuff. It gets your hair clean.

Second, since all visitors will assume we are far away, and therefore don’t get The New York Times (and alas, that’s true), they will want to talk about what’s going on in Washington, forgetting that we have ample TV. Well, actually, they will tell you at great length that they do NOT want to discuss Clinton and Lewinsky, and then will do so. Our defensive suggestion is that you equip yourself with some old Jay Leno jokes by staying up late (very late, now that the East Coast is back on standard time). Then, you can note that Dan Quayle has opened an office to prepare for a Presidential run in 2000, and that his web site is www.nochanceinhell.com. Laugh heartily, particularly if your guest leans to the far right.

The OO is in fact very fond of old friends, and appreciates their taking the trouble to come and visit. Some years of experience show that visitors here have some strange ideas about the island. Many think that wild animals abound, when in fact there is nothing threatening that a can of Bop Insecticide will not control (this includes over-friendly would-be dance partners at Johnno’s). At the Objective Observatory, the staff prepares a short instruction sheet warning of the sun, the need to wear hats and bathing suits, bugs, and the unwisdom of walking through the bush. Since you want your guests to rent a car and drive about, it is well to explain why there are no street names (I forgot – just why is that?), and remind the Visitor that it is prudent to drive on the left like almost everybody else. If the Visitor wants to know why the rule is to drive on the left with steering wheels on the left of the car, mumble and change the subject.

We come now to the matter most vital, namely, food. We find that most Visitors are amazed at how many really good restaurants there are here, and are often stunned by the cost of food and wine in the fancier places. The proper technique for the Host[ess] is to begin by taking the guests to the cheaper places, where you grab the check and insist on paying for the hamburgers at Uncle Ernie’s. After a day or two of softening them up, the guests will insist on taking you to dinner, and then you suggest the snappier places, murmuring that they will enjoy the ambiance. They will, too, although they may have to work their passage home. In life, they’ll learn, there is often danger.

Next time: Documentation